MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

Comments

[nightmarist]

It's not because of Andyr.

[Or anyone else Adam may have been with, or may choose to be with. It was difficult to understand at first, but they've been over it. They've talked about the difference between the heart and the soul and the flesh, and how their souls are inseparable.]

It's because I can't make you happy. I don't know how. I'm failing you in every way, and I don't know if it's because of who I am or what I am to you, but... Someday you're gonna feel everything I haven't been able to give you. You deserve so much more than this.

[unaffluent]

You... [Adam stops because he realizes he needs to position his words in a better way to make Ronan understand all of this.]

Ronan, you have to stop thinking that happiness is something you can create and give someone or that you are ever responsible for my ability to be happy or unhappy. It is a mistake to put it on yourself. You give me what I need and want from you 9 times out of 10. You do everything... Too much sometimes...

[Adam smiles briefly.]

But I was broken and damaged even before I met you. Being with you doesn't solve everything that's wrong with me. It doesn't undo my dad or any of that. I act like it doesn't matter and I'm over it but it doesn't disappear... and maybe I'll never lose that feeling.

Youre half of me and I love you so much but, Ronan... Not everything is about or because of you and you can't fix it. I'm not a problem you can dream a solution for.

I am happy with you. That doesn't mean everything is happy in my head or life. Quit.. taking responsibility for it all. You do more than I could ever expect. You're not perfect and neither am I and we hurt each other sometimes but... That's human. We're human.

You give me what I need the most. You give me family and love. I couldn't ask you for more. No one person could ever be enough... We aren't made like that. We need friends and family too. Please stop burdening yourself thinking you're not fucking enough.

[It feels like too many words that Ronan won't take to heart at all.]

I know you'd do anything to make things easier for me and that's enough. Your love is everything I need to keep going and it's my strength to persevere the bullshit.

[nightmarist]

[There is so much Ronan can't put into words.

When he thinks about what love is meant to look like, he thinks of his mother. He never witnessed a single glimpse of turmoil between his mother and his father. No matter how many months Niall Lynch spent away from home, no matter how much he drank or how boisterous he got, his wife found him endlessly charming. She was never impatient. She never spoke a word against him. She was the embodiment of perfect unconditional love.

Back when Ronan was a softer person who daydreamed about what romance might look like in his own life, he expected (naturally) that he would love in the same way his mother loved.

It's been painful, discovering all the ways he's a knife instead of a balm. He should be able to fix every problem in Adam's life. If he can't do that, he doesn't see what good his love is at all.]

You don't have to reassure me. That's not my point. What I'm trying to say is that your feelings matter to me. And, yeah, I can't fix everything. But I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try my damnedest for you.

[He draws Adam's hand to his lips, kissing it again.]

You're my fucking raison d'être. You.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam nods and he doesn't argue. Maybe he'd said all he said to finally put into the words the frustration that he feels. He has felt like his feelings are often a burden and that is mostly in his head, the incessant fear that if he is too difficult that Ronan would simply turn to something easier than him. He still doesn't feel like he deserves love or is good enough. He still finds himself having nightmares that Ronan finally seems him as what he is really, nothing, and then leaves him.

He can still hear the words of how unwanted he was by the people who were supposed to love him the most. He can hear those words coming from Ronan sometimes in his nightmares and it makes him hold back, minimizing himself to be the least burdensome possible, to not give Ronan a reason not to love him anymore.

None of those things are Ronan's fault. It's the product of a lifetime of abuse that he doesn't know how to be loved or how to love properly all the time. ]

Ronan...

[ He nearly cries and he can feel his eyes burning so he ducks his face to hide the embarrassing reaction. His hand tingles at the soft press of lips and the amulet is warmer against his chest. ]

I love you.

[ The words are thick and heavy on his tongue as he holds back the urge to cry and he doesn't know why he's about to cry. ]

I'll always try for you too. [ Both to fix things for him and to make himself better, less damaged and broken. He wants to be someone Ronan deserves. ]

[nightmarist]

[What Ronan wants more than anything is for Adam to try for himself. To be as ambitious as he was before, as thirsty to conquer and bend the world to his will. But Ronan's afraid it might be impossible, that the bargain might have ruined all hope for that. They are so inextricably tied to one another now.]

I love you.

[He turns Adam's hand to kiss his palm, murmuring into his skin:]

I love you, I love you. Will you come home?

[unaffluent]

[ Adam watches Ronan as the other presses lips to his palm. The words soothe the earlier insecurities when they hadn't been returned, the panic he'd been feeling that he'd ruined everything between them somehow. ]

Yeah. [ His fingers curl to touch the other's cheek while Ronan's lips are still close to his palm. ]