MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

Comments

backdated to med tent times!!!

[deconstruct]

[ it's been A Day, and at least the medical tent isn't that big, or it might have been a task to be walking back and forth from ronan's room to where adam's laid out, taking in fluids and letting the paralytic wear off, with some help. ronan's in some kind of stable now, but still out, so andyr leaves him to the doctors to go check on adam again - something he'd been doing intermittently, wanting an eye on both of the boys.

they'd finally left this one alone for a time, so andyr moves to sit in a chair next to his bed, hand reaching out to touch a forearm gently. ]

Hey. How's the drug doing? Can you move okay yet?

[unaffluent]

[ The paralytic had worn off but Adam still felt like it had a hold on him. It's not only that but the idea that there might also be something else wrong that he won't know what it is until later. They'd been told about the metal pill he'd swallowed but hadn't figured out exactly what it was doing and it didn't seem to be causing any issues.

Adam doesn't think it's harmless but there's not much proof behind it. The last thing he expects is for Andyr to come and sit next to the bed he's on. He tries not to flinch away from the touch because Andyr doesn't mean anything negative by it and Adam knows that. But it's still difficult to let anyone touch him too many memorizes dragged to the surface in this whole ordeal. ]

Yeah. [ Not that he's moved much except that for most of the time he's curled in on himself, worrying and wanting to go to Ronan but not allowed to. ]

Ronan...?

[deconstruct]

Is fine. [ Andyr answers without delay, knowing how that must be the most important point to adam. ]

Still passed out, but they patched him up and pumped enough new blood in him that he's stable. Just healing now. [ and doped up on a fun cocktail of drugs, probably. the important part is he's safe, not in any kind of medical danger anymore. andyr will probably try to help adam move over to ronan's bed, so they'll have each other close when he wakes, as soon as the medics tell him adam's safe to move. or maybe before that. who knows.

but at the moment, there's a more pressing concern to address, before ronan wakes up and plows over everything adam might be feeling with his emotional whirlwind. ]

You gonna be okay? Paralysis is scary shit.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam's relieved but he also is sure he would have known if Ronan died. Somehow, he'd have felt it and right now he doesn't feel like he's gone. Adam just feels broken, not that that's something he would ever admit out loud -- least of all to Andyr. ]

I'm fine. [ It's a clear lie, Adam's really anything but fine or okay. It doesn't matter, really, anyway, because Ronan had almost died and it'd been his fault. He can't escape that fact over and over again assaulting him in the face. His control had once again been taken from him. His throat tightens up and he lets out a shuddered breath to try and release the tension there. ]

I can't stand Kavinsky.

[deconstruct]

Bullshit you're fine. [ he'd seen that enough through adam's eyes when he'd been under the drug, and his struggling to regain any kind of control. but he's tried to hold conversation with adam before, and they don't seem to get anywhere, either because andyr's lack of personability, or adam's distrust of him. ]

Either try to work through it, or learn to lie better. [ andyr can't really say he's done much of either of them, himself, as far as his intense fear of things like this goes, but he doesn't have ronan lynch breathing down his neck 24/7, and bending over backwards to try to improve his life. that's adam. ]

I don't think anyone can stand Kavinsky.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam doesn't get called on his bullshit very often. Either everyone around him is too busy or too involved in their own crap to notice it or he hides it good enough. Considering he's usually surrounded by teenagers, it's likely the former rather than any amount of the latter.

He doesn't say anything to contradict him, though. It's not like it matters. He stares anywhere but at Andyr. Ronan's okay. That's really all that matters. After all that happened how he feels or what damage Kavinsky really did on the back burner and he doesn't have a desire to make it front and center. ]

Kavinsky can't even stand Kavinsky.

Ronan - post bathtime sexual healing cw: prob nsfw

[unaffluent]

[ Adam was reluctant to get out of the bath and honestly he's sorely tempted to get back into it before they leave the room but the buffer of plush towels wrapped around their bodies is going to make actually talking easier as he lays on the side of the bath still on the bright and clean tile, his eyes on Ronan. It feels like a betrayal to himself in a way, to everything that'd just happened to bring up what he's about to but the events in the tent he'd overheard and seen were constantly haunting him.

Ronan always, clearly, would do anything sacrifice anything of his own wants and desires to provide for adam, shouldn't he do the same? Even so, he knows he has to tread carefully here. ]

Do you have feelings for Andyr?

[nightmarist]

[Ronan doesn't understand the question. More accurately, he doesn't understand why this question is being asked of him now, after they've just been intimate, and it feels like Adam's actually trying to ask something else.

He doesn't answer immediately, fixing a stare on Adam and holding it while he tries to sort out his thoughts on the matter. Even if Ronan was the type to lie, it seems like there's no good answer to this question. What Adam's saying is that he still feels insecure about them.

This is entirely Ronan's fault.]

I love you, Adam.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam should have expected that. It's not a lie but it's not an answer -- which in and of itself is an answer. Not that he doesn't already know. He'd seen it, heard it in their voices. He swallows a sigh as he pushing himself up a little to look at him. ]

I know you love me. That's not what I asked.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's pretty sure that is what Adam's asking.]

I wouldn't give you up for anything. Nothing and no one is gonna stop me loving you. You don't have to worry about Andyr.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam frowns because Ronan still isn't just giving him the answer he's actually asking for. He runs his fingers through his hair and he wants to let it go and just bask in the moment they'd just had but time feels precious anymore and he's put it off for a while already. ]

Ronan, please, answer the yes or no question I am asking.

Do you have feelings for Andyr?

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's answer is immediate and quiet:]

Yes.

[Why is Adam torturing himself?]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam knows this is where it gets tricky because Ronan would deny himself anything if he thought it was for Adam. He schools his features to be as neutral as he can manage, reaching out to stroke his fingers over the other's cheek. ]

You want him still don't you?

[nightmarist]

Why are you doing this?

[Adam can't leave him now. He can't. Ronan feels like he can hardly breathe. Beneath Adam's touch, he's shaking.]

I want you. For the rest of my life. You're the one.

[unaffluent]

[ This isn't how Adam wants Ronan to react. He bites his lip briefly as he drops his hand. ]

Ronan, this isn't about us. [ How could he make this work? Ronan would do anything for him but he also had a thing for denying himself what he wants too. Adam knew he wants Andyr too, maybe given the choice he would choose Adam but that didn't change the facts... ]

You think about kissing him still, don't you? Touching him?

[ It's hard to act like it doesn't hurt but to think Ronan wants it and denies himself hurts him too. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan hears nothing but an accusation, no matter how calmly stated, and it's devastating. He doesn't know what he did to deserve it. Or - He does know, but why now? What did he do in the past hour to make Adam doubt him all over again?]

How is this not about us? Holy Mother, I swear to God, I haven't touched him since you arrived. Adam, tell me what I did wrong. I can fix it. Tell me what you need.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam feels even more frustrated just then because clearly, he's not getting on the same page. ]

Lynch... [ It's exasperated. He has to change his strategy. ]

Why are you so fucking stupid sometimes? Stop making this bad and dramatic.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan gives a slight shake of his head, falling silent. He doesn't understand at all. It feels like he's just walked into a conversation halfway through and he's so hopelessly lost about the topic at hand.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam sighs. He doesn't know how to do this any better. He knows that it's nothing that Ronan expects or would ever ask for but he couldn't not want it, he knew that he did. ]

I want you to have everything you want. [ Is that plain enough? ]

[nightmarist]

What?

[He still doesn't feel like he understands. There's an implication being made here, yes, but it can't be what it sounds like. Ronan reaches for Adam's hand, gripping it tight.]

I have you already. That is everything.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam wanted to ask him then why did he hear something in his voice but then he's going to have to admit that he had been spying on him.

Unintentionally at that time!! ]

Ronan, are you telling me you don't miss him at all? That you don't' think about him? That when you're around him you don't think of things you did and want to ... [ He shrugs, feeling his throat tighten slightly. ]

[nightmarist]

But I chose you. Nothing else matters, because I chose you. You're it for me. Everything that happened before... It's over. Maybe I can't control my thoughts, but every time I think of him, I choose you all over again. It's always going to be like that. That's what love means.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam hates that he had to choose. That there had been a choice and he knows how ridiculous it is because he wins. Ronan's his and he's offering him something he isn't asking for but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. If he thinks of it isn't that a meaning enough? ]

I love you, Ronan and I know you love me but... what if I want you to not deny yourself him? You can have both, I know you won't love me less.

[nightmarist]

No.

[The answer is immediate. He doesn't entertain the idea for a single second.]

I'm yours.

[unaffluent]

What if I like it? [ It's not true. But at this point he's already committed. ]