MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

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[nightmarist]

[Ronan's trying very hard to understand this. He's well aware his own moral priorities don't match others', that he is in many ways a conservative prude. Adam - and most other boys - are much more experienced than Ronan when it comes to sex, and no one in his circle weighs the issue as heavily as he does.

On the one hand, adultery is a mortal sin.

On the other, he worships Adam before all. And Adam wants this.]

What if it hurts you more than you think it will?

[Because Ronan can't imagine it bringing anything but pain. He doesn't think he could stand the sight of anyone else touching Adam now.]

What if you never want me again? I can't...

[I can't live without you, he nearly says, but the thought dies. The scars on his arms are still fresh and Adam doesn't need the reminder.]

[unaffluent]

I promise I'll be okay. [Because he already knows how much it hurts and how much it'll keep hurting either way. It's not Ronan's fault. It's Adam's fault somehow anyway.]

I love you. I'll always want you. I promise... Can't you have a little faith in me?

[He pulls him closer not wanting to let him have the distance he is trying to keep. He wants him to agree so the hardest part of this is over.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan gives in, wrapping his arms around Adam and curling into him, burying his face against the crook of Adam's neck. He has faith in Adam, only none in himself. He's done a remarkable job of hurting Adam at every turn.]

I'll do anything you want. As long as it's what you want.

[unaffluent]

[adam feels safe in Ronan's arms just like he always does but he knows Ronan isn't safe in his. His arms and hands are dangerous. His existence at times seemed to be what puts Ronan in danger.]

You want it too... Andyr? Please give me a straight answer. [He knows but Ronan still hasn't really admitted it. He holds him close his lips finding skin even as he feels his breath on his neck.]

[nightmarist]

Yes.

[He hates admitting it and he doesn't want to say more than that. Yes, God, he's mad for Andyr. It's a torture to be near him, for how badly Ronan wants to kiss him and hold him and be held by him again. But all of it pales in comparison to what he feels for Adam. And the trouble is, Ronan doesn't think Adam realizes that.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam's been practicing getting better at hiding his emotions and reactions to things. It's not like it was difficult with all that had been going on, he's had plenty of reasons to act like he's okay when he's not, to need people -- Ronan -- to believe that. So, he's a little better at it now but he doesn't let it linger where Ronan might see through him. ]

Then you're not going to deny yourself. [ Adam says simply, but even as he does he tugs him closer, finding his lips to press a firm kiss there mostly to distract himself and to hold off anymore of what Ronan might want to say. ]

[nightmarist]

[He wants to ask if Adam's telling the truth. If this is really what he wants, if it arouses him as much as he says. But he doesn't want to fight with Adam now. It's a weird thing, being asked to show faith by being unfaithful. Ronan can't help but feel he's losing some test.

Anyway, he's silenced by Adam's lips. And he isn't too eager to end the kiss, luxuriating in the warmth of Adam's mouth until he's forgotten what it was he wanted to say.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam lets himself stop thinking again, like he had when they started to relax in the bath. He kisses him deeply and loving. His love unconditional maybe too much so. He's been so selfish though and he doesn't want to be when Ronan has been trying to give him everything and more. ]

I love you.

[ He whispers against his lips. ]

[nightmarist]

I love you.

[Even if he doesn't fully understand what they are anymore. He was going to ask Adam to marry him. He was going to make a vow. Kissing Adam again, Ronan cradles his cheek in one hand and finds Cabeswater's heart with the other, enclosing the amulet in his palm.

He isn't worthy. He hasn't been since the moment he let another person touch him.]

Andyr might not even want this, you know. Not everyone is, um... good at sharing.

[Ronan isn't.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam presses his forehead against Ronan and he's not sure what he's thinking. He's not sure that this is a good idea, maybe despite the fact that he knows that Ronan longs for Andyr that actually be able to have him wouldn't be a good thing for him. Adam could handle the pain and the flares of jealousy. He knew his limits and he's already been pushed to them.

This is something he feels like he can control. If he says things are okay then they're okay and it's not something that has any control over him anymore because he chose it. That's a large part of the motivation for all of it on top of just wanting Ronan to have everything he could possibly desire and long for. ]

I think he'll go for it. [ The longing hadn't seemed one sided when he saw it. He didn't think his existence would be enough of a deterrent if he was greenlighting it. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan squeezes his eyes shut, nuzzling Adam's forehead and caressing his cheek. All he wants to do is stop and catch his breath, but his life keeps spinning out.]

I don't know how you can stand it.

[He's trying not to sound judgmental. It's just that he can't fathom this desire.]

I would lose my mind if someone else touched you.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam doesn't know how to answer. If he answers honestly all the work he's just done would come apart at the seams. He forces a small smile instead and they're so close it's probably hard to tell that it's force. ]

That's kind of sexy to know.

[ Adam kisses him again, his leg sliding against the other's, maybe distracting a bit from the topic. ]

[nightmarist]

[Is it sexy? Then why don't you want to keep me, too? Ronan doesn't ask. Is it because I'm ruined?

They're not going to fight. Not now. He releases the amulet, his hand drifting down Adam's body, gliding over his hip to massage his thigh. The other hand pushes back, fingers tangling themselves in Adam's hair, and Ronan kisses him hard. Possessive.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam didn't see Ronan as ruined or flawed. Really, he sees it all on himself something is wrong with Adam. Andyr's so much better. How could he deny Ronan that?

The amulet feels even warmer than usual when it drops back against his skin after Ronan held it and he kissed him deeply, wanting and offering him anything, everything. He loves him so much that it almost hurts. ]

[nightmarist]

[Even when the kiss breaks, Ronan doesn't release Adam from his grip. He presses their foreheads together, steadying his breath. He feels so ugly. He should have known. It was never going to be him. What made him think that Adam would want to marry someone like him?

This is what Kavinsky feels like.]

Tell me how you want me with him.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam doesn't want to answer the quest, keeping their foreheads pressed together so Ronan can't really get a good look at him. The lie might be written all over his expression just then and he's already tried so hard to get this far.

His hand searches out one of Ronan's lacing their fingers together. All Adam wants is a life with Ronan, if Ronan asked him to marry him right then he would have said yes and he never would have regretted giving Ronan the rest of his life.

It wouldn't change the fact that he knows Ronan longs for Andyr, even if he picks Adam, clearly, it still is there. Adam can't unknow it as much as he might want to. ]

How were you with him before? [ He asks after swallowing a thick lump in his throat. ]

[nightmarist]

[Not so long ago, Adam had said he didn't want the details. Now he's outright asking for them. Ronan swallows the urge to scream, answering too quietly:]

He knew what he was doing more than I did, so he was usually in charge. Mostly he just liked to hold me. No clothes. Just my body in his hands. Where he's from, he's not allowed to touch people. The people who own him... They hurt him a lot. So I guess it was something for him, just to feel bare skin. Another body.

[unaffluent]

[It's not anywhere near as bad as it could have been, not really but it still hurts. He feels a little like he can't breathe but can't let Ronan know.]

His body's nice isn't it?

[Trying to sound normal is difficult. Why isn't Adam better? If he were less insecure about himself he probably wouldn't insist Ronan give into his feelings for Andyr. Ronan has only made love to Adam though and Adam will hoard that forever if he can ]

[nightmarist]

I wish I had his abs.

[That's not what Adam means, of course.]

When I first saw him, little things about him reminded me of you. Not everything, just... Something about his mouth. His chin. I could close my eyes and almost feel like I was kissing you. When he asked me about you, I said you were so beautiful it hurt to look at you.

So yeah, I guess his body's nice.

[unaffluent]

It hurts to look at me? [It sounded painful and romantic at the same time. Adamcould almost just get stuck on the details that didn't hurt so much.]

Show me how he touched you. [Because he knows there was more than just naked bodies pressed together.]

[nightmarist]

Like looking at the sun.

[Why would you want this? Over and over, the question repeats in Ronan's mind, left unvoiced. He obeys, his hands moving to direct Adam's, drawing Adam's palms over his skin. One to his cock and one to his pec. Here, Adam can imagine himself as Andyr.]

I think he cared more about making me come than himself. Or maybe it's just because he knew I was a virgin. It felt like he was trying to be nice about it.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam isn't sure if that's really a good thing, to be that kind of beautiful to someone. It's another instance of Ronan building him up so impossibly high he'll only have room to fall and disappoint him.

Adam swallows, as his hands are guided, his fingers spreading out over his chest, fingertips a grazing stroke over his cock. ]

You're also amazingly attractive when you come too, so... [ God, he loved how Ronan looked and sounded when he came. He could be satisfied on that alone really, or not really because he really likes the way Ronan looks at him when Adam is the one coming too. He's trying so hard not to think about Andyr when all of this right now is about Andyr. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan would prefer for Adam not to think about Andyr. He wishes Adam had never known about Andyr at all. Rather than releasing Adam's hands, he draws them up to his lips, kissing each palm.]

Adam, I love you.

[I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam finally looks at him, a smiling tugging at his lips with the soft press of his lips to his palms. It is always something he likes, when Ronan pays attention to his hands but it's also something that terrifies him still. He's had nightmares about choking Ronan and not being able to stop.

Andyr's so much better than him... Ronan deserves everything. ]

I love you too. You're still mine. [ Ronan's his to share or not share. He chooses to share because he thinks it will be best for Ronan but he knows that this choice really is all his own. ]