MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

Comments

[heisenbitch]

[ Standing in the doorway isn't the place he wants to be having this conversation; Adam deserves a bit more than Jesse merely saying his bit from the doorway like he's just here to pass on a quick message and then leaving. Entering Ronan and Adam's room is the last thing he wants, too. But he also knows Adam sure isn't interested in giving Jesse the time of day enough to leave the room and listen to whatever Jesse has to say.

So, with a vague, awkward gesture to a nearby chair in the room: ]

Mind if I sit down?

[unaffluent]

[ Adam's brows furrow again but he's already told the other to talk but apparently he needs to sit down for that. At least it seems like he's showered since the last time he saw them and maybe he's not completely trashed so that's a plus. Adam still doesn't trust Jesse a bit but he shrugs like he has no skin in this. ]

Go ahead.

[heisenbitch]

[ ...Alright, so... Taking that first tentative step over the threshold of Ronan and Adam's doorway, knowing this is the last place he's welcome to be, is awkward as hell. When Jesse reaches the seat, he eases himself down onto the edge of it slowly, shoulders hunched, elbows resting on his knees, his gaze dropping to his hands while they loosely clasp together. He twiddles his thumbs. A long beat of silence.

Then, he's drawing in a deep breath and letting it out, heavy with the shit that's running through his mind. ]

I'm sorry, yo. 'Bout the other night. It was real shitty of me, talking to you the way I did. You didn't deserve that.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam's not really sure what to say to an apology. He doesn't get them often, doesn't usually mind it. It's just the way the world works and all. He stares at Jesse for a few moments, probably long enough to make it awkward but at least he looks at him. He doesn't say it's okay because it's not. He still doesn't want Jesse here doesn't trust him. He probably thinks Adam might say something to Ronan and so he's just trying to cover his ass.

In Adam's world, most people have a motive, no one just does the right or nice thing for him. ]

Yeah getting fucked up on alcohol and shit does that to most people. At least you showered.

[heisenbitch]

[ Yeeeahhh, that silence hanging in the air after Jesse's apology makes Jesse want to fidget like fuck. Serves him right, though, right? Jesse's eyes remain fixed on his twiddling thumbs, his leg briefly jiggling with nervous energy. And when Adam finally does speak, Jesse's eyes fall shut briefly in a way that makes him look morose with acknowledging shame.

When he opens his eyes again, they resume glumly studying his hands. ]

Yeah, well. Least I can do, right?

[ Shower, that is. ]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam shrugs and he's not sure what Jesse wants from him. He doesn't really care for apologies, they don't mean much but he's at least glad that jesse doesn't smell like booze and cigarettes anymore. He wonders how long that will last and he can't help but think that it won't last very long at all. ]

Yeah. It's the very least.

[heisenbitch]

[ Yeah. It's the very least. Again, he falls silent, and Jesse studies his hands some more. The silence stretches again. With another heavy sigh, he closes his eyes and exhales, then opens them and glances up at Adam. There's a very sombre look on Jesse's face. ]

Look, there's something I need to tell you.

[unaffluent]

[ That's always good to hear. ]

What is it? [ Adam sounds tired because he is and on top of that Jesse makes him wary. ]

[heisenbitch]

[ Jesse gazes at Adam and... ah, shit. Fucking hell, he thinks to himself as he ends up glancing away, chewing his bottom lip in momentary apprehension. Christ, you've shot a guy in the fucking face who didn't even deserve it, and this is what has you all twisted up in knots, Pinkman?

Maybe it has him all twisted up in knots because it's just yet another shitty thing he's done. And he knows this could end the best thing that's honestly happened to him in a long, long time: this place, being around people who care about him, this whole sanctuary that Monmouth has become for him. Jesse doesn't want to lose any of that, yet he's gone and fucked it all up the ass, hasn't he? That's all he's ever good for: fucking things up royally and being nothing but a giant disappointment to everybody.

Just admit your fuck-up, Pinkman. Pretend it's Narcotics Anonymous, where you're encouraged to share your failures and somehow convince yourself you're completely absolved of your sins because you accept who you are or some pathetic, wishy-washy, 'Everyone deserves a second chance' bullshit.

He turns his attention back onto Adam. Jesse looks at him right in the eye. ]

I slept with Ronan.

[unaffluent]

[ It takes a lot of energy and focus not to react visibly. A lot of things click into place and he wonders how he'd managed to be so stupid about it for so long. It brings up far more questions that he's unwilling to acknowledge even in his own head.

And he doesn't understand why Jesse is telling him? Is he trying to hurt him? What? ]

Go. [ His voice is low but if Jesse doesn't go he's going to go. ]

[heisenbitch]

[ Jesse doesn't budge. His gaze stays fixed on Adam. He feels like shit, and so he should, he supposes. What kind of asshole would he be to just leave that bombshell just hanging there in the air, though? More to the point, maybe Adam needs to understand the situation. ]

It was before you showed up. Before Ronan even had any clue that you were gonna appear in his life here. He didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It just happened.

[ He peers at Adam for another beat or so, then finally drops his attention back down to his hands. He picks at his fingernail. ]

A lotta shit had gone down. With the Moira and the messed up shit that happened during the timeslip, and... You got no idea. Both of us were just... I dunno. Reeling from it all, I guess. Looking for comfort or a way to stop feeling so... helpless, or something, I dunno. Ronan and I, we... We'd been through a lot together by that point. Ronan was scared. I was scared. Everyone was scared. And the only person Ronan had at the time, as far as I knew at that point, was Noah and... me. I didn't really have anyone, either. And so, it just... happened. 'Cause what d'you do when you've been through that kinda stuff? You find comfort in the people you feel safest with.

[ Jesse lifts his eyes back up to Adam, to try and gauge his reaction. Does Jesse feel kind of sick with himself that he's omitting the part where he enjoyed using Ronan? Of course. But like he's gonna admit that. ]

I mean, it wasn't like we slept slept together. It was just... touching and stuff.

[unaffluent]

Okay. let me say this in a way you can understand.

Go, yo. [ Adam does not speak swag gangsta. But he's close to losing his temper. There's reasons he had declined to know any details from Ronan. He doesn't wait for Jesse to leave this time. Instead, he gently pushes the lamb off of him and leaves the room himself. He heads for his room because his room he has no qualms locking Jesse out of and everyone else for that matter. ]

[heisenbitch]

[ Jesse probably should have guessed that's exactly how Adam would react. He tilts his head at Adam and gives him a look as if to say, 'Seriously? You're not even gonna talk about this so we can sort this out?' Because that's what Jesse was actually hoping to achieve here, somehow. Expect to feel like shit, absolutely, but at least finally be honest with Adam. Clear the air somehow.

Jesse slouches back in the chair with a defeated sigh as Adam starts climbing off the bed. He drops his head back, eyes closing. Jesse Pinkman strikes again; the guy who ruins everything, even when he's trying not to ruin it at all.

This is exactly the kind of thing Mr. White pulled on him sometimes, too: Jesse would try to put something right, try to make amends, and Mr. White would make him feel like shit for it. Dismiss him. Walk the fuck off and leave Jesse feeling like a giant asshole when Jesse was only trying to fix things. Wouldn't give Jesse a chance to explain, or to apologise, or to try to put things right. And goddamn, did Jesse hate it when Mr. White did that. Even if he knew he deserved it, he hated it.

With Adam gone from the room, Jesse remains seated there, eyes now open, staring up at the ceiling. Feeling like a Giant. Asshole. With one more heavy sigh, he slaps his hands onto the armrests and hauls himself up off the chair. He slouches towards the door, muttering snidely under his breath to himself, "Well done, Pinkman. You've really outdone yourself this time," and though it's said in his own voice, he can hear Mr. White's voice in his head uttering those words in contempt at him. ]