MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

Comments

[nightmarist]

You -

[Your choice hurt you, Adam. You were ruined. It's on the tip of Ronan's tongue, before he has the sense to shut his mouth and shove that thought deep down to the bottom of his heart. There is no good in pointing that out. The bargain can't be undone and he doesn't want Adam to see the bars of his cage only to be driven (further) mad by them.]

I'm not stopping any of you from trying to solve this. But unless you guys have been hiding something from me, I'm the only one here who can create life out of nothing.

[unaffluent]

But why do you think that your death is the only way to accomplish that or that that's a moral or right thing to do? You haven't exhausted all your options. You havne't tried hard enough you haven't let anyone else help enough.

[ Adam sinks down into the stool that's near the counter that's covered in miscellaneous shit, rubbing his face exhausted in more ways than he can count. ]

I know i'm not as useful as Persephone or any of them would be but we can figure out a better way than this. Didn't you used to believe I could do anything?

[nightmarist]

[Ronan presses his face into his hands, rubbing at his eyes. He can feel a dangerous heat building behind them, and he's already cried too many times tonight. As his hands fall away, he gets down on his knees before Adam and reaches for him, instead.]

I'm losing too many people to this thing. Adam, I can't lose you, too. I should've stayed away from all of you from the very start. The day I lost Dad, I should've learned to be alone.

Look at you right now. We've barely started dealing with this, and you're already worn down to nothing. You can do anything, yeah, but not while I'm sucking the life out of you.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam for a brief moment thought about shying away from the other reaching for him but he doesn't. He can't. He doesn't quite look at him either. Apparently they're both too close to tears again in too short a span of time. ]

You're so stupid. You're the only thing that gives me life. [ Adam finally looks up at him. ]

You don't have to lose anyone else else, and we don't have to lose you. There's another way. Please...believe in it. If you believe in it too it'll have no choice but to be real. [ It's the closest thing to believing in God that Adam has but he's not just saying it. He wasn't just throwing the word faith around for no reason. This is his faith. ]

We can take care of the things that are making me worn down because they're not this... they're different. I promise I can help and we can do this without you taking all the hero credit. [ It's meant to be a joke but the words come out choked at the end. ]

[nightmarist]

[Is Adam lying to Ronan or to himself? It's impossible to tell. Ronan believes that Adam wants all these things to be true. He also knows that if Adam had witnessed what happened in the timeslip, he'd understand the inevitability of it all. Ronan's death is a certainty. The only question is what can be gained from it.

Ronan pulls Adam's hands toward him and kisses his knuckles.]

Don't make promises you can't keep.

[unaffluent]

Believe in me and I won't have to break it. [Adam whispers. Maybe Ronan thinks things are inevitable but time isn't linear and nothing is concrete not whatever it is that Ronan saw. None of it.

They just have to learn to make time work for them.]

[nightmarist]

[It isn't nearly that simple. Not even prayers to God work like that. But Ronan lets it go, kissing Adam's hands again.]

None of this means I've given up on us. I'm going to keep living for you. For as long as I possibly can. I never want to leave you, not for a second sooner than I have to. I don't think you can possibly understand how much I love you, Adam. I could never have fought for this long if I didn't have you. You think I'm doing nothing, but I'm fighting to stay alive every time I close my eyes, and it's all for you.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam shifts one of his hands away, brushing his fingers over the other's cheek and then leaning in to kiss him softly. He'll take him at his word but he won't let him think that suicide is an option either, ever. Adam wants to live but he can't without Ronan. They have to guarantee they have enough time to figure it out. Ronan won't make that promise, he knows. ]

I love you.

[ That's all he says for a moment, kissing him once more and then leaning back. ]

Let me fight with you and we'll figure it all out.

[ He looks down at Ronan's hands. ]

I know you probably think I was trying to sabotage him. But I wasn't. I just... things came out but then I tried to defend him...and your right to have him there. It's your place Ronan. Not mine. Not Declan's. [ He'd be lying if he said it wasn't still bothering him that Ronan had thought he'd done anything on purpose or maliciously. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan is so entirely preoccupied with the matter of their future that for a moment he doesn't know what Adam's talking about. Then he remembers, of course, the whole mess that started this thing. Declan beating Jesse. Ronan beating Declan.

He bows down further, his hands still clasping Adam's, burying his face into Adam's lap.]

I'll never be mad at you for telling the truth. I just hate everything happening behind my back all the time. It's like no one cares what I have to say about it.

[unaffluent]

[Adam stares at Ronan's head for a long moment as he thinks about the words and he almost laughs because of the irony of it.]

Nothing was behind your back, Ronan. You never asked and declan didn't stop asking. And I care so much about what you'd say or think that... I don't have a lot of rights to feel shit.

[Adam leans down, pressing his lips to Ronan's head, it's not the most comfortable position but he stays bent closer to him.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan eases back, turning his face up to look at Adam again with wide eyes.]

I didn't mean - No. I mean, I know. I know what Declan does. I'm not blaming you. Jesus, fuck, of course you're allowed to feel things.

[unaffluent]

He was just looking out for you. I guess I was an easy target. [Adam murmurs, he touches Ronan's cheek gently, studying the expression there.]

You have a lot of people who love you,Lynch.

[nightmarist]

I know.

[Ronan's had much suffering in his life, but a lack of love was never the issue. If anything, he has too much of it. Too many people in need of him. Too many people willing to die for him.]

But you do, too, Parrish. And I know I'm not... I know I'm not enough, and I'm more of a problem than a solution, but I'm yours. I would give you everything.

[unaffluent]

Why do you still think you're not enough. [Adam's brow furrowed and his finger tips trace his cheekbone and then the line of his jaw. He shakes his head.]

You're enough. You're not a problem. Please don't think like that. [In truth, he mostly knows Ronan would give him everything which is why he tries not to ask for much.]

Do you think you're not enough because of Andyr? If that were true then I'm not enough for you but even... More. [Because he knows for Ronan it's not really just Andyr and Adam.]

[nightmarist]

It's not because of Andyr.

[Or anyone else Adam may have been with, or may choose to be with. It was difficult to understand at first, but they've been over it. They've talked about the difference between the heart and the soul and the flesh, and how their souls are inseparable.]

It's because I can't make you happy. I don't know how. I'm failing you in every way, and I don't know if it's because of who I am or what I am to you, but... Someday you're gonna feel everything I haven't been able to give you. You deserve so much more than this.

[unaffluent]

You... [Adam stops because he realizes he needs to position his words in a better way to make Ronan understand all of this.]

Ronan, you have to stop thinking that happiness is something you can create and give someone or that you are ever responsible for my ability to be happy or unhappy. It is a mistake to put it on yourself. You give me what I need and want from you 9 times out of 10. You do everything... Too much sometimes...

[Adam smiles briefly.]

But I was broken and damaged even before I met you. Being with you doesn't solve everything that's wrong with me. It doesn't undo my dad or any of that. I act like it doesn't matter and I'm over it but it doesn't disappear... and maybe I'll never lose that feeling.

Youre half of me and I love you so much but, Ronan... Not everything is about or because of you and you can't fix it. I'm not a problem you can dream a solution for.

I am happy with you. That doesn't mean everything is happy in my head or life. Quit.. taking responsibility for it all. You do more than I could ever expect. You're not perfect and neither am I and we hurt each other sometimes but... That's human. We're human.

You give me what I need the most. You give me family and love. I couldn't ask you for more. No one person could ever be enough... We aren't made like that. We need friends and family too. Please stop burdening yourself thinking you're not fucking enough.

[It feels like too many words that Ronan won't take to heart at all.]

I know you'd do anything to make things easier for me and that's enough. Your love is everything I need to keep going and it's my strength to persevere the bullshit.

[nightmarist]

[There is so much Ronan can't put into words.

When he thinks about what love is meant to look like, he thinks of his mother. He never witnessed a single glimpse of turmoil between his mother and his father. No matter how many months Niall Lynch spent away from home, no matter how much he drank or how boisterous he got, his wife found him endlessly charming. She was never impatient. She never spoke a word against him. She was the embodiment of perfect unconditional love.

Back when Ronan was a softer person who daydreamed about what romance might look like in his own life, he expected (naturally) that he would love in the same way his mother loved.

It's been painful, discovering all the ways he's a knife instead of a balm. He should be able to fix every problem in Adam's life. If he can't do that, he doesn't see what good his love is at all.]

You don't have to reassure me. That's not my point. What I'm trying to say is that your feelings matter to me. And, yeah, I can't fix everything. But I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try my damnedest for you.

[He draws Adam's hand to his lips, kissing it again.]

You're my fucking raison d'être. You.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam nods and he doesn't argue. Maybe he'd said all he said to finally put into the words the frustration that he feels. He has felt like his feelings are often a burden and that is mostly in his head, the incessant fear that if he is too difficult that Ronan would simply turn to something easier than him. He still doesn't feel like he deserves love or is good enough. He still finds himself having nightmares that Ronan finally seems him as what he is really, nothing, and then leaves him.

He can still hear the words of how unwanted he was by the people who were supposed to love him the most. He can hear those words coming from Ronan sometimes in his nightmares and it makes him hold back, minimizing himself to be the least burdensome possible, to not give Ronan a reason not to love him anymore.

None of those things are Ronan's fault. It's the product of a lifetime of abuse that he doesn't know how to be loved or how to love properly all the time. ]

Ronan...

[ He nearly cries and he can feel his eyes burning so he ducks his face to hide the embarrassing reaction. His hand tingles at the soft press of lips and the amulet is warmer against his chest. ]

I love you.

[ The words are thick and heavy on his tongue as he holds back the urge to cry and he doesn't know why he's about to cry. ]

I'll always try for you too. [ Both to fix things for him and to make himself better, less damaged and broken. He wants to be someone Ronan deserves. ]

[nightmarist]

[What Ronan wants more than anything is for Adam to try for himself. To be as ambitious as he was before, as thirsty to conquer and bend the world to his will. But Ronan's afraid it might be impossible, that the bargain might have ruined all hope for that. They are so inextricably tied to one another now.]

I love you.

[He turns Adam's hand to kiss his palm, murmuring into his skin:]

I love you, I love you. Will you come home?

[unaffluent]

[ Adam watches Ronan as the other presses lips to his palm. The words soothe the earlier insecurities when they hadn't been returned, the panic he'd been feeling that he'd ruined everything between them somehow. ]

Yeah. [ His fingers curl to touch the other's cheek while Ronan's lips are still close to his palm. ]