MID Message & Mail

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I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

Comments

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Yeah.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan doesn't say anything more. He leaves immediately, and arrives at the garage in a span of time that suggests he was driving at dangerously high speeds. He takes his time walking in, though, hesitating and lingering at the doorway. Adam gave him permission, but that doesn't mean Adam really wants to see him. Nevertheless, he's here. Saying nothing at first, fingers all twisted up in the bracelets at his wrist.]

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[ Adam hadn't really expected another message after he agreed. He feels anxious in the short time it takes for Ronan to get there. And while he's working, moving a bit too harshly, rougher than necessary with the equipment he knows exactly when Ronan arrives without looking up. He feels an ache somewhere deep inside of him, something more than the fear that Ronan is angry at him and thinks he is trying to mess things up on purpose.

A few seconds? Minutes? go by and Adam exhales, slapping down the top of what he's working on and moving to the sink to wash his hands. ]

You shouldn't drive so fast.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan remains quiet until Adam's ready for him. Then he steps up behind Adam, his hands coming to rest on Adam's waist, and bows down to bury his face in Adam's hair. He's not angry. He's still hurt, but the anger that formed a hard shell around his hurt has dissolved by now, leaving fear and regret in its place.]

I should've driven faster.

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[ The action shocks Adam but even so he doesn't tense. Ronan's touch too natural something he craved and that was safe even when Ronan's in a way the thing that's scared of. ]

Ronan, I really didn't mean... [ He's stuck a little on what to say. Even though the things he had said were all true, things he'd held back he hadn't been trying to lash out at anyone, not Ronan, not Jesse but he's sure it must have looked bad to Ronan.

declan's way of handling things isn't the best at times but neither is Adam or Ronan's ways.He dries his hands quickly and turns to slide his arms around the other's shoulders pulling him close and tight. ] I'm sorry

[nightmarist]

Why should you be sorry for telling the truth?

[Ronan wraps his arms around Adam, holding Adam against him, pressing forehead to forehead. His eyes squeeze shut, because he's already cried once tonight, and that's more than enough. He feels so raw.]

Will I ever stop hurting you?

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[ Adam holds him and he's half terrified if he lets go Ronan's going to disappear and slip away. He frowns at the second question. ]

Who... Who said anything about you having hurt me? I never... This was my fault.

[nightmarist]

[Soon, but not yet. There's a lot of work to be done before Ronan gets to disappear completely.]

I'm wearing you down. Christ, there's only so much a person can stand. You shouldn't have to hide away here, pretending like you've got work when there's no reason for any of us to work another day in our lives.

[He pulls back to look Adam in the eyes.]

Be honest: Are you running away from me? Should I leave St. Monmouth?

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I enjoy my job. [ That's the truth but he also uses it when he's upset, that's true as well and he doesn't outright bother to deny it because Ronan's not stupid on that front.

Adam frowns as he meets the other's eyes and he shakes his head. ]

Not you. Why would you think it's you? You're the only reason it's even home, Ronan.

[ His hold on Ronan's a little looser but not by much just enough to make meeting his eyes not uncomfortable. ]

[nightmarist]

Because you're tired all the time. Because you say it's home, but come up with every excuse not to go there. Because everything about me made you snap and break down all over Declan, of all people.

I've never made you happy, have I? Not for a single moment. You don't have to fucking live like this. You can just tell me.

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You're so stupid. [ Adam frowns and he drops his arms to take a step back just because it's a little easier to formulate a clear response if he's not leaning into Ronan's warmth and security. He runs his hands through his hair. he wonders briefly how they both manage to be so self-deprecating and it's a stupid cycle. ]

You keep assuming it's you, Lynch. What if it's about me? Or about someone, something else? And maybe i don't tell you everything because you... you either get like this or I just I don't have any right to how I feel about shit, Ronan.

[ He exhales heavily and a part of him wishes he hadn't stopped working. He wants to keep his hands busy, it helps his thoughts, his words not to get damned up inside of him. ]

You make me happy Ronan Lynch. But you're not the only person that exists there or in this world. You weren't the only person that existed in Henrietta. You look at me like I'm fucking perfect but I was already messed up when you saw me for the first time. I didn't stop being a broken fucking damaged trailer trash kid because you...

[ He feels like somewhere he'd pulled a stopper out of a tub and now the water is crashing into the drain in the form of words and he can't get it back in place to stop them. ]

That place... Do you know in the kitchen Jesse was fucking drunk and strung the fuck out on god knows what, he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks and he just... [ He waves a hand wildly because he doesn't know how to explain how that confrontation had got to him. ]

It was like my dad, Ronan. He didn't hit me but it was... there was... [ Another wild gesture of his hand. ]

Then, you know where he decides to tell me about you two? In your bedroom, where we... I told him to stop, I tried to leave and he didn't give me a choice. [ His fists clench at his sides. ]

And it's not even all about him. I fucking defended his stupid ass to Declan for you. And you're dying and Gansey is dead. And I feel like I'm not even worth going to any length to live for for you.

[ As many words as spill out of him it still feels like it's only the surface, that he wrestles the plug of his emotions back into place but there's still 3/4 a tub full of water left over. ]

You make me happy, you make me feel safe and loved.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan watches Adam, unflinching. And he listens, unmoving. Adam's words are a contradiction, he thinks. Though he understands that so much of Adam is a contradiction, so it makes sense that his feelings would be, too. It's not possible that Ronan makes Adam feel safe or happy or loved when it's Ronan who created the situation Adam's railing against. When it's Ronan who's dying and Ronan who must die if there's going to be any hope of saving Gansey. After all, someone will have to be sacrificed.]

It's my fault.

[All of it. All of it is Ronan's fault.]

The drugs came from me. The alcohol came from me. Jesse confessed because I made him think it was the right thing to do. Gansey's dead because he tried to save me. I'm going to die because I have to save him.

And none of it is about your worth. If I had a life to give you, I'd give you every single moment. I would be yours for as long as you could stand me. But it's over already. The demon's already inside me and I can either wait for it to finish me or I can use what's left of me to bring Gansey back.

Are you really safe, as long as I'm near you with that thing inside me? Are you really happy, knowing what's going to happen to me? Do you really feel loved, if you don't believe I wish I could spend eternity with you?

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[ Adam feels like shoving Ronan, it's not really anger so much as hurt that wells up and he doesn't know which to address first. Just because he provided drugs and alcohol doesn't mean he's the one to blame for any of the things that happened. It's not really Ronan's fault at all, any of it.

He takes his time, and he's starts to pace as he searches for the calm to respond evenly and not in an emotional whirlwind even though it's raging inside of him still. ]

The fuck makes you think anyone is going to let you die? You've given shit all time to finding other solutions. You waste your time pulling out unecessary crap things that are going to be meaningless if we lose you. Do you think if you die I'm going to be any better than you when you thought I died? Stop acting like you're the fucking messiah sent here to save us all.

You're not that special Ronan Lynch and we can do this without you nailing yourself to some fucking cross. And I believe that we can spend an eternity together I'm just waiting for you to get your head out of your ass about it. With all your fucking God talk you think you'd realize how important faith is.

[nightmarist]

[The anger's reserved for Ronan, it seems, because such a rage flares up in him that he nearly turns to drive his fist through the nearest wall. He manages to keep it under control, though, sucking in a sharp breath and exhaling in a hiss.]

You know shit-all about what I've done. What I've been doing. You think I'm in there just working on toys for you and everyone else? It doesn't take me fourteen hours a day to make baby animals and playing cards for you. I've been working on resurrection for months. I've been working on it since before the Moira crashed, back when it was just Noah who needed life. And now it's Gansey, too. And Matthew. If it takes me any longer, maybe it'll be every single fucking one of you I need to save. Everyone I care about is dropping dead around me and you're pissed because I can't bear the thought of being the last man standing. Lecturing me about faith, like you fucking know anything about it.

[Ronan takes another breath, but it's not easing his anger. The longer he looks at Adam, the worse it gets.]

You know what? You don't get to talk to me about sacrifice, Parrish. Not after you went and made that fucking bargain none of us asked you for. It's real fucking rich, you and Gansey getting on my ass about this when I didn't get a single goddamn choice about what you did, what he did for me.

It's not about being the messiah. It's about making my own decision, for fucking once in my life, instead of you all making me live with all your decisions.

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Just because I don't fucking believe in your god doesn't mean I don't understand faith. I have faith in you whether you deserve it or not. I have faith in Gansey. Whether you admit or not you're trying to be a messiah and not putting all your cards on the table or utilizing every fucking resource you have available to you. What I did was different than this. You're premediating this. I didn't. It was the only choice.

There's no fucking way you know this is the only choice. Right now this is just the easiest choice you see. So fuck that, Lynch. My choice didn't hurt anyone. Yours... yours would ruin people beyond repair.

[ Adam doesn't think they're being very productive even with so many words being said that should've been said ages ago. He feels like there's a wall he can't get over. ]

There's got to be another way, Ronan. Stop putting everyone on the backseat of this and thinking you have to fix this alone. I'm not useless.

[ Maybe he is but they sure as hell haven't tried very much. ]

[nightmarist]

You -

[Your choice hurt you, Adam. You were ruined. It's on the tip of Ronan's tongue, before he has the sense to shut his mouth and shove that thought deep down to the bottom of his heart. There is no good in pointing that out. The bargain can't be undone and he doesn't want Adam to see the bars of his cage only to be driven (further) mad by them.]

I'm not stopping any of you from trying to solve this. But unless you guys have been hiding something from me, I'm the only one here who can create life out of nothing.

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But why do you think that your death is the only way to accomplish that or that that's a moral or right thing to do? You haven't exhausted all your options. You havne't tried hard enough you haven't let anyone else help enough.

[ Adam sinks down into the stool that's near the counter that's covered in miscellaneous shit, rubbing his face exhausted in more ways than he can count. ]

I know i'm not as useful as Persephone or any of them would be but we can figure out a better way than this. Didn't you used to believe I could do anything?

[nightmarist]

[Ronan presses his face into his hands, rubbing at his eyes. He can feel a dangerous heat building behind them, and he's already cried too many times tonight. As his hands fall away, he gets down on his knees before Adam and reaches for him, instead.]

I'm losing too many people to this thing. Adam, I can't lose you, too. I should've stayed away from all of you from the very start. The day I lost Dad, I should've learned to be alone.

Look at you right now. We've barely started dealing with this, and you're already worn down to nothing. You can do anything, yeah, but not while I'm sucking the life out of you.

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[ Adam for a brief moment thought about shying away from the other reaching for him but he doesn't. He can't. He doesn't quite look at him either. Apparently they're both too close to tears again in too short a span of time. ]

You're so stupid. You're the only thing that gives me life. [ Adam finally looks up at him. ]

You don't have to lose anyone else else, and we don't have to lose you. There's another way. Please...believe in it. If you believe in it too it'll have no choice but to be real. [ It's the closest thing to believing in God that Adam has but he's not just saying it. He wasn't just throwing the word faith around for no reason. This is his faith. ]

We can take care of the things that are making me worn down because they're not this... they're different. I promise I can help and we can do this without you taking all the hero credit. [ It's meant to be a joke but the words come out choked at the end. ]

[nightmarist]

[Is Adam lying to Ronan or to himself? It's impossible to tell. Ronan believes that Adam wants all these things to be true. He also knows that if Adam had witnessed what happened in the timeslip, he'd understand the inevitability of it all. Ronan's death is a certainty. The only question is what can be gained from it.

Ronan pulls Adam's hands toward him and kisses his knuckles.]

Don't make promises you can't keep.

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Believe in me and I won't have to break it. [Adam whispers. Maybe Ronan thinks things are inevitable but time isn't linear and nothing is concrete not whatever it is that Ronan saw. None of it.

They just have to learn to make time work for them.]

[nightmarist]

[It isn't nearly that simple. Not even prayers to God work like that. But Ronan lets it go, kissing Adam's hands again.]

None of this means I've given up on us. I'm going to keep living for you. For as long as I possibly can. I never want to leave you, not for a second sooner than I have to. I don't think you can possibly understand how much I love you, Adam. I could never have fought for this long if I didn't have you. You think I'm doing nothing, but I'm fighting to stay alive every time I close my eyes, and it's all for you.

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[ Adam shifts one of his hands away, brushing his fingers over the other's cheek and then leaning in to kiss him softly. He'll take him at his word but he won't let him think that suicide is an option either, ever. Adam wants to live but he can't without Ronan. They have to guarantee they have enough time to figure it out. Ronan won't make that promise, he knows. ]

I love you.

[ That's all he says for a moment, kissing him once more and then leaning back. ]

Let me fight with you and we'll figure it all out.

[ He looks down at Ronan's hands. ]

I know you probably think I was trying to sabotage him. But I wasn't. I just... things came out but then I tried to defend him...and your right to have him there. It's your place Ronan. Not mine. Not Declan's. [ He'd be lying if he said it wasn't still bothering him that Ronan had thought he'd done anything on purpose or maliciously. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan is so entirely preoccupied with the matter of their future that for a moment he doesn't know what Adam's talking about. Then he remembers, of course, the whole mess that started this thing. Declan beating Jesse. Ronan beating Declan.

He bows down further, his hands still clasping Adam's, burying his face into Adam's lap.]

I'll never be mad at you for telling the truth. I just hate everything happening behind my back all the time. It's like no one cares what I have to say about it.

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[Adam stares at Ronan's head for a long moment as he thinks about the words and he almost laughs because of the irony of it.]

Nothing was behind your back, Ronan. You never asked and declan didn't stop asking. And I care so much about what you'd say or think that... I don't have a lot of rights to feel shit.

[Adam leans down, pressing his lips to Ronan's head, it's not the most comfortable position but he stays bent closer to him.]