MID Message & Mail

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I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

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[ Adam wanted to ask him then why did he hear something in his voice but then he's going to have to admit that he had been spying on him.

Unintentionally at that time!! ]

Ronan, are you telling me you don't miss him at all? That you don't' think about him? That when you're around him you don't think of things you did and want to ... [ He shrugs, feeling his throat tighten slightly. ]

[nightmarist]

But I chose you. Nothing else matters, because I chose you. You're it for me. Everything that happened before... It's over. Maybe I can't control my thoughts, but every time I think of him, I choose you all over again. It's always going to be like that. That's what love means.

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[ Adam hates that he had to choose. That there had been a choice and he knows how ridiculous it is because he wins. Ronan's his and he's offering him something he isn't asking for but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. If he thinks of it isn't that a meaning enough? ]

I love you, Ronan and I know you love me but... what if I want you to not deny yourself him? You can have both, I know you won't love me less.

[nightmarist]

No.

[The answer is immediate. He doesn't entertain the idea for a single second.]

I'm yours.

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What if I like it? [ It's not true. But at this point he's already committed. ]

[nightmarist]

[What the fuck?]

What?

[The fuck?]

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[ Ugh. ]

What if I think you'd look hot...

[nightmarist]

With... Andyr?

[Nothing makes sense anymore.]

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[ Adam swallows hard. ]

Yeah.

[ He moves closer to him, his hand sliding down the other's side to his hip to pull him closer again. ]

[nightmarist]

[No objection to being pulled closer, but Ronan does lay a hand on Adam's arm and maintains enough distance to scrutinize his features. He doesn't fully believe what he's hearing.]

You want me to cheat on you?

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[ Adam knows full well why Ronan is trying to maintain distance and it's part of the reason he's trying to close distance. ]

It's not cheating if I'm telling you to do it.

[nightmarist]

What is it, then? What does it mean? Are we not together anymore? Are we just... I don't know. What are we?

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[ Adam wants to laugh, almost, because how did he give off that impression at all ]

You're such a fucking dumbass, Lynch.

[ He leans in to kiss him, working up the nerve for what he's going to say next. ]

It means you're mine and you're always going to be mine and I'm always going to be yours but I'll share you with him because you want it and I want you to.

[nightmarist]

[The kiss is reassuring, at least, but...]

I'm not Declan. I don't - I'm not sure if I could even - Fuck, Parrish. How long have you been thinking about this?

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I don't know. [Since he saw them in the tent.

Andyr is so much better than Adam how could he not try and make sure he can have him when its so clear he wants him...]

I don't want to deny you anything. You should try it.. At least. Please

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's trying very hard to understand this. He's well aware his own moral priorities don't match others', that he is in many ways a conservative prude. Adam - and most other boys - are much more experienced than Ronan when it comes to sex, and no one in his circle weighs the issue as heavily as he does.

On the one hand, adultery is a mortal sin.

On the other, he worships Adam before all. And Adam wants this.]

What if it hurts you more than you think it will?

[Because Ronan can't imagine it bringing anything but pain. He doesn't think he could stand the sight of anyone else touching Adam now.]

What if you never want me again? I can't...

[I can't live without you, he nearly says, but the thought dies. The scars on his arms are still fresh and Adam doesn't need the reminder.]

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I promise I'll be okay. [Because he already knows how much it hurts and how much it'll keep hurting either way. It's not Ronan's fault. It's Adam's fault somehow anyway.]

I love you. I'll always want you. I promise... Can't you have a little faith in me?

[He pulls him closer not wanting to let him have the distance he is trying to keep. He wants him to agree so the hardest part of this is over.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan gives in, wrapping his arms around Adam and curling into him, burying his face against the crook of Adam's neck. He has faith in Adam, only none in himself. He's done a remarkable job of hurting Adam at every turn.]

I'll do anything you want. As long as it's what you want.

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[adam feels safe in Ronan's arms just like he always does but he knows Ronan isn't safe in his. His arms and hands are dangerous. His existence at times seemed to be what puts Ronan in danger.]

You want it too... Andyr? Please give me a straight answer. [He knows but Ronan still hasn't really admitted it. He holds him close his lips finding skin even as he feels his breath on his neck.]

[nightmarist]

Yes.

[He hates admitting it and he doesn't want to say more than that. Yes, God, he's mad for Andyr. It's a torture to be near him, for how badly Ronan wants to kiss him and hold him and be held by him again. But all of it pales in comparison to what he feels for Adam. And the trouble is, Ronan doesn't think Adam realizes that.]

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[ Adam's been practicing getting better at hiding his emotions and reactions to things. It's not like it was difficult with all that had been going on, he's had plenty of reasons to act like he's okay when he's not, to need people -- Ronan -- to believe that. So, he's a little better at it now but he doesn't let it linger where Ronan might see through him. ]

Then you're not going to deny yourself. [ Adam says simply, but even as he does he tugs him closer, finding his lips to press a firm kiss there mostly to distract himself and to hold off anymore of what Ronan might want to say. ]

[nightmarist]

[He wants to ask if Adam's telling the truth. If this is really what he wants, if it arouses him as much as he says. But he doesn't want to fight with Adam now. It's a weird thing, being asked to show faith by being unfaithful. Ronan can't help but feel he's losing some test.

Anyway, he's silenced by Adam's lips. And he isn't too eager to end the kiss, luxuriating in the warmth of Adam's mouth until he's forgotten what it was he wanted to say.]

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[ Adam lets himself stop thinking again, like he had when they started to relax in the bath. He kisses him deeply and loving. His love unconditional maybe too much so. He's been so selfish though and he doesn't want to be when Ronan has been trying to give him everything and more. ]

I love you.

[ He whispers against his lips. ]

[nightmarist]

I love you.

[Even if he doesn't fully understand what they are anymore. He was going to ask Adam to marry him. He was going to make a vow. Kissing Adam again, Ronan cradles his cheek in one hand and finds Cabeswater's heart with the other, enclosing the amulet in his palm.

He isn't worthy. He hasn't been since the moment he let another person touch him.]

Andyr might not even want this, you know. Not everyone is, um... good at sharing.

[Ronan isn't.]

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[ Adam presses his forehead against Ronan and he's not sure what he's thinking. He's not sure that this is a good idea, maybe despite the fact that he knows that Ronan longs for Andyr that actually be able to have him wouldn't be a good thing for him. Adam could handle the pain and the flares of jealousy. He knew his limits and he's already been pushed to them.

This is something he feels like he can control. If he says things are okay then they're okay and it's not something that has any control over him anymore because he chose it. That's a large part of the motivation for all of it on top of just wanting Ronan to have everything he could possibly desire and long for. ]

I think he'll go for it. [ The longing hadn't seemed one sided when he saw it. He didn't think his existence would be enough of a deterrent if he was greenlighting it. ]