MID Message & Mail

[unaffluent]

I N B O X

IC Voice Mail "You've reached Adam Parrish and I probably didn't want to talk right now." Mun Contact • PLURK: poetanarchy

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[nightmarist]

[Ronan's answer is immediate and quiet:]

Yes.

[Why is Adam torturing himself?]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam knows this is where it gets tricky because Ronan would deny himself anything if he thought it was for Adam. He schools his features to be as neutral as he can manage, reaching out to stroke his fingers over the other's cheek. ]

You want him still don't you?

[nightmarist]

Why are you doing this?

[Adam can't leave him now. He can't. Ronan feels like he can hardly breathe. Beneath Adam's touch, he's shaking.]

I want you. For the rest of my life. You're the one.

[unaffluent]

[ This isn't how Adam wants Ronan to react. He bites his lip briefly as he drops his hand. ]

Ronan, this isn't about us. [ How could he make this work? Ronan would do anything for him but he also had a thing for denying himself what he wants too. Adam knew he wants Andyr too, maybe given the choice he would choose Adam but that didn't change the facts... ]

You think about kissing him still, don't you? Touching him?

[ It's hard to act like it doesn't hurt but to think Ronan wants it and denies himself hurts him too. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan hears nothing but an accusation, no matter how calmly stated, and it's devastating. He doesn't know what he did to deserve it. Or - He does know, but why now? What did he do in the past hour to make Adam doubt him all over again?]

How is this not about us? Holy Mother, I swear to God, I haven't touched him since you arrived. Adam, tell me what I did wrong. I can fix it. Tell me what you need.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam feels even more frustrated just then because clearly, he's not getting on the same page. ]

Lynch... [ It's exasperated. He has to change his strategy. ]

Why are you so fucking stupid sometimes? Stop making this bad and dramatic.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan gives a slight shake of his head, falling silent. He doesn't understand at all. It feels like he's just walked into a conversation halfway through and he's so hopelessly lost about the topic at hand.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam sighs. He doesn't know how to do this any better. He knows that it's nothing that Ronan expects or would ever ask for but he couldn't not want it, he knew that he did. ]

I want you to have everything you want. [ Is that plain enough? ]

[nightmarist]

What?

[He still doesn't feel like he understands. There's an implication being made here, yes, but it can't be what it sounds like. Ronan reaches for Adam's hand, gripping it tight.]

I have you already. That is everything.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam wanted to ask him then why did he hear something in his voice but then he's going to have to admit that he had been spying on him.

Unintentionally at that time!! ]

Ronan, are you telling me you don't miss him at all? That you don't' think about him? That when you're around him you don't think of things you did and want to ... [ He shrugs, feeling his throat tighten slightly. ]

[nightmarist]

But I chose you. Nothing else matters, because I chose you. You're it for me. Everything that happened before... It's over. Maybe I can't control my thoughts, but every time I think of him, I choose you all over again. It's always going to be like that. That's what love means.

[unaffluent]

[ Adam hates that he had to choose. That there had been a choice and he knows how ridiculous it is because he wins. Ronan's his and he's offering him something he isn't asking for but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. If he thinks of it isn't that a meaning enough? ]

I love you, Ronan and I know you love me but... what if I want you to not deny yourself him? You can have both, I know you won't love me less.

[nightmarist]

No.

[The answer is immediate. He doesn't entertain the idea for a single second.]

I'm yours.

[unaffluent]

What if I like it? [ It's not true. But at this point he's already committed. ]

[nightmarist]

[What the fuck?]

What?

[The fuck?]

[unaffluent]

[ Ugh. ]

What if I think you'd look hot...

[nightmarist]

With... Andyr?

[Nothing makes sense anymore.]

[unaffluent]

[ Adam swallows hard. ]

Yeah.

[ He moves closer to him, his hand sliding down the other's side to his hip to pull him closer again. ]

[nightmarist]

[No objection to being pulled closer, but Ronan does lay a hand on Adam's arm and maintains enough distance to scrutinize his features. He doesn't fully believe what he's hearing.]

You want me to cheat on you?

[unaffluent]

[ Adam knows full well why Ronan is trying to maintain distance and it's part of the reason he's trying to close distance. ]

It's not cheating if I'm telling you to do it.

[nightmarist]

What is it, then? What does it mean? Are we not together anymore? Are we just... I don't know. What are we?

[unaffluent]

[ Adam wants to laugh, almost, because how did he give off that impression at all ]

You're such a fucking dumbass, Lynch.

[ He leans in to kiss him, working up the nerve for what he's going to say next. ]

It means you're mine and you're always going to be mine and I'm always going to be yours but I'll share you with him because you want it and I want you to.

[nightmarist]

[The kiss is reassuring, at least, but...]

I'm not Declan. I don't - I'm not sure if I could even - Fuck, Parrish. How long have you been thinking about this?

[unaffluent]

I don't know. [Since he saw them in the tent.

Andyr is so much better than Adam how could he not try and make sure he can have him when its so clear he wants him...]

I don't want to deny you anything. You should try it.. At least. Please

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's trying very hard to understand this. He's well aware his own moral priorities don't match others', that he is in many ways a conservative prude. Adam - and most other boys - are much more experienced than Ronan when it comes to sex, and no one in his circle weighs the issue as heavily as he does.

On the one hand, adultery is a mortal sin.

On the other, he worships Adam before all. And Adam wants this.]

What if it hurts you more than you think it will?

[Because Ronan can't imagine it bringing anything but pain. He doesn't think he could stand the sight of anyone else touching Adam now.]

What if you never want me again? I can't...

[I can't live without you, he nearly says, but the thought dies. The scars on his arms are still fresh and Adam doesn't need the reminder.]